Summer under construction

Too bad I already did my style smorgasbord of lesbian goodness last week because I should have scrapped it all and just put this lone picture up there.

I think that says it all, right there.  Just imagine my arms are holding a tray of jello shots and mini bagel bites and I think that's perfectly captured my essence.

These necklaces are made by sister bloggers (like sister wives but maybe weirder because bloggers...?) at Me and Lex and these ladies can work some magic with some jewelry.

They take vintage pieces and new pieces and combine them to make pieces of my soul like this:

*crying*

Obviously they're really good an symmetry too.

found via Because I'm Addicted

It's like everything I look for in life.

So obviously I spent the last week looking for jewelry that I could make into breastplates of sunshine to match my sparkling personality.

Just kidding I played in the rain and dirt like a filthy wildling.

There goes the illusion of me being a glamorous angel of stylish accessories and symmetrical photography magic.  

I'm slowly turning my black thumb of doom into something that might actually sustain life.  This is a big breakthrough, y'all.  It's only taken me 7 years or so.

Thanks to the generosity of some friends, I was gifted many plants this year and I promised to do my best to keep them alive.  But there was an unspoken understanding that we know we're sentencing many of these plants to die a slow death.

Good thing Charlemagne's so self-sufficient.

Can I snuggle and/or eat you?

I supplemented my gift plants with some other plant purchases this weekend but did have them sign a waiver before getting into my cart.  May proper hydration and photosynthesis be with you, little green dudes.

Currently I'm 90% done of killing 20% of the plants and as soon as I'm 100% done I'll give you a yard tour.  It's under construction but I better get on this before the sweltering July death heat reaches us.

Even though I'm more likely to be covered in mud than sparkly jewelry, I AM able to retain a small bit of glam.

Talon Watch 2013 is in full effect.  My nails are also under construction (starting here) and have managed to stay intact through all the digging and hard labor.  Probably due to the adamantium injections.  Just a little bit more and I'll be able to file them into witchy weapons of mass destruction and back scratching.

So to recap:

Fantastic clothes and badass sparkly accessories?  Uh... I found some pretty pictures?

A yard of amazing awesomeness?  Working on it and got the mosquito bites to prove it.

Dramatic manicure because I'm bored and can't afford fantastic clothes and badass sparkly accessories?  Soon, my sweets.

I live in a state of constant progress.  And jewelry lust.

Me look pretty one day.

There comes a time in every blogger's life where she must step away from her beloved lampshades and thrift store furniture and turn her gaze inward.  Or outwards because I'm technically talking about my appearance.  The fashion part of my appearance.  I'm not jonesing to talk to you about acne and stretch marks.  

BUT JUST YOU WAIT!

I generally look like a hobo that fell into a Target clearance rack and then decided to go to work and run some errands.  I'm kinda wardrobe challenged.  I'm a designer so I figure creative types can really only excel in one area - mine is design mediocrity.  Those people that have great houses and are artists and look like they walked off of Refinery 29 straight into Whole Foods can kiss my discount-jegginged ass.  

But not before they make a pinboard of their outfits so I can dissect then copy them.

So what's a hobogirl do?  Stop spending $100 on gawddamned custom lampshades for starters.

Once I ignore the lure of lampshades and junk stores, the real issue is, well, me.  *gestures to human meat casing*

Taking Inventory

I tend to ignore my own fashion style, avoid mirrors and only focus on house stuff because:

A. I'm generally more interested in it and see above about only being good at one thing.

B. I'm really hard to dress.  

I have a body shape that can best be described as 'Melting Snowman.'  

here

I think the thought bubble probably reads "I'm fancy!"

This makes me a tad unconventional but still totally fucking hot, of course.

Fashion magazines generally overlook how to dress your 'Melting Snowman' shape so I'm kinda on my own with that one.

I'm also blessed with what I call a 'Funhouse Mirror Silhouette" which means I'm exceptionally long to my waist and then squished up top.  An empire waist looks like a normal waist on me which means I really hit my peak in 1995 thanks to babydoll dresses and combat boots.  

Funhouse Mirror Silhouette is also lacking in magazine recognition so I'm left with a lot of crying in the dressing room and mild, although consistent, cameltoe. 

Which is totally fucking hot.

Welcome to my crotch.

I fucking love mom jeans because in addition to taking better care of my crotchal region,  they're the only jeans where my ass crack doesn't hang out the top.  When I'm standing. Low-rise means hip bones to y'all but pubic hair to me.  Would you like to meet my clitoris while I'm clothed?  I thought not.

For the health and safety of the public I'll take that 14" zipper, thanks.

Added to my sensual lumpiness and proportional issues is the fact that at a size 16 (give or take depending on how emotional damaged I'm feeling while in the vicinity of bagels) I can wear both straight sizes and plus sizes which means I have to shop EVERY store and department.

I've been known to wear a petite top but tall plus size pants AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  Thanks, Funhouse Mirror Silhouette.

But since I'll spend days/weeks/months trolling ebay and thrift stores for the perfect vintage objet d'art that will appear effortless coordinated to the rest of my entry console, I can spend an extra hour in that other corner of the department store.

So once I made the commitment to saying goodbye to the hobogirl I had to figure out what the hell I wanted to replace her with.  I dumped everything in my closet (it took 3 purges since December) that didn't make me feel my sauciest.  I discovered a few things:

A. I have more shoes than gawd and I don't care to part with any of them.

B. I love black and would prefer to wear as much of it as possible.

C. I need to stop pretending like I bought that caftan for Halloween only and start parading around the neighborhood house in it while sipping gin-based libations.

here

"Welcome to the MS Ranch, friends.  May I interest you in a pizza roll?!"

Brainstorming Biznass

Now comes the fun part of deciding what the hell I really want to dress in a manner than makes me feel like the best damn melting snowman I can be.   I'm not really interested in making a statement with clothes but I do want to have a closet that requires no brainpower whatsoever.  I'm want a uniform.  Variations on a theme.  In all manner of neutral shades.

I'm not looking for flashy or even "stylish" or even "Hey, where'd you get that?"  I'm looking for pleasantly forgettable with an edge.

Stranger 1: "Hey, did you see that girl over there that maybe had good shoes and seemed like she might be somewhat saucy?"

Stranger 2: "What girl?"

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I happened to read this post by Gala Darling last Fall about your Style Statement and it clicked something in my brain.  The goal being a 2 word phrase (HGTV has stolen this concept a few times over...) where the 1st word is the 80% foundation of your idea and the 20% "creative edge."

After a few minutes of brainstorming I felt pretty confident my phrase is Casually-Modern Mystic.  Technically that's three but I hyphenated it so it counts.

So we have Casually:

(Looks JUST like Charlemagne although she'd never be caught in such an undignified manner.  Me, on the other hand...)

Modern:

You know you love her.

Mystic:

Bellydancer Zoe Jakes via Bohemian Punk

80% accountant, 20% Coachella.

I feel like this enchanting snowlady needs to go from a Netflix marathon to the office to a pagan ceremony in the woods with just a change of her shoes.  A witch that shops at the Gap Outlet but is too lazy for spells and shit.  Always makes time for pizza rolls though.

If people somehow acknowledged my existence in that hypothetical corner, they might be scared to talk to me because of all the black and the niggling sense that I might be carrying a 9mm in my punk-studded clutch.  But they're confused because they're eerily drawn to me because of all the tinkling jewelry that sounds like mermaids laughing underwater and think I might could have an in-depth discussion with them about their astrological chart or Arrested Development.  All of which are true.  Except the gun part.

Or maybe they just want to talk to me because I'm saying lots of inappropriate things about my clitoris in the corner and wear a lot of boring clothes so there are no distractions for the words coming out of my mouth.  I don't know...

Might be time to download the Style Journal Workbook and/or Mini Makeover Guide from my favorite style/body image blogger Sally of Already Pretty to help work out these issues.  Think I need some professional help.

In the meantime, let's start slow.  

Currently my favorite uniform is black skinny jeans and a denim shirt.

here

On the weekends I change it up to dark skinny jeans and a plaid shirt.  

here

I guess if I get bored I could change it up with a SEQUINED TANK TOP!

here

Since I've established my (possibly sequined) ground level, maybe I could take a baby step and do this:

here

I'm obsessed with blazers and already own four black ones.  Having a Melting Snowlady body requires some structure and I need some modern architecture for these lovely lady lumps.

In addition to blazers, moto jackets are taking up a lot of space in my closet this year:

here

There is no way I'll ever pull of this much attitude but I approve of the black and brown combo.  I'm the queen of black and brown.

I think I'm the queen of androgynous styling too...?

here

I love menswear but let's reign in the Rachel Maddow vibe I've suddenly entered into.  Not sure where lesbian chic fit into Casually-Modern Mystic...

here

Ahh...  I think I was missing the Mystic part.  Fuck Coco Chanel.  When it doubt, throw on more jewelry.  Preferably not appropriated from Native Americans but you get my point.

here

All this white!  I'd feel like an angel!

I think somewhere on Shiny Squirrel

I like how this looks modern and ancient at the same time.  Just like a dinosaur with lasers.  That's definitely going on my moodboard.

here

Black?  Check.  Big accessories?  Check.  Casually Modern structure?  Check.  Bit of flowy stuff as a nod to a possibly hippie buried deep inside?  Check.

here

I hope 'saucy librarian' also works somewhere in the mix.

here

Maybe also a Civil War veteran who wears skinny jeans?  However it fits, I like it and want to look like this every day.  I also wish every day was September because I'm very pro-layers.

here

here

This is about as much color as I'd prefer on a daily basis.  Perfect amount of layers.  Warm up this snowman bod-ay. *gestures to sexy meat casing*

However, I am trying to tap into my feminine side (it's also at about 20%) and trying to wear more dresses lately.

here

Like a real laaadiiieee.  Who's also a badass.

here from Kendi Everyday

And also likes blazers!

Thick of It

Ok or anything remotely like this chick with her fantastic hair and jewelry and general badassery.

Or maybe this:

here

SAY WHUT?!  Sometimes I might feel this saucy.  Like, once a year.  Putting that denim shirt to good use!

here

Or maybe I'll just be 80% mystic witch sometimes.  That shops at Old Navy.  

Wildcards

Having parameters is really helpful for us style-challenged folks but there are a bunch of things that I'm drawn to that will have to make their way into the mix sometimes.  No rules.

Mila via Not Just A Label

Might have a glove fetish.  Or leather?  Bondage witch?  I feel like this is above my style skillz right now.  Will shelve for the future or leave it in my post-apocalyptic pinboard.

here

I always have a weakness for a little retro fun times.  I recently acquired a petticoat and it needs to be friends with these spiked shoes.

here

I'm counting this as retro but I love it so much it might need to make it's way out of the wildcard section.

Little embarrassing but I also need to develop the balls to wear this out in pubic:

here

Looks great when I'm at home playing in my shoes but not sure if Chattanooga is ready for it...

here

And although I'd prefer to wear black, charcoal, brown or other colors of doom,sometimes I might like to venture into the wild side. 

Artfully Awear

OF MIXING PATTERNS!

Marni

It's so wrong but it feels so right.

here

I don't even know what to do with this but I love it.  It technically has all the elements I listed above but I think I could only manage it about once a fiscal year.  After a bottle or two of wine.  I apologize to my friends in advance.

And I can't forget about the Queen of Wildcards:

I might need to do Sally's worksheets and redo this entire thing to have more Bey flavor.

Prepare yourself for moodboards that you won't care anything about but will have immense amounts of shiny things courtesy of Sasha Fierce.

And probably blazers.

This makes me exceedingly happy.

Lara Christina

Next week we're talking about fashion stuffs so here's a quick teaser of the new look I'm going for.  Just replace the puppy with a white kitty and the cute girl with John Goodman and it's perfect.

Will you make me one of these planters, chili pie?

Party people, I hope you had a fantastic three day weekend full of cheap beer and even cheaper wieners of questionable origin.  

I entertained some wieners on Saturday (their origin is homosexual so nothing questionable going on there) for a Frito chili pie party.  Wheeee!  I don't think I've had a Frito chili pie in about 15 years so when a craving struck me, I couldn't resist.

We all need more Frito chili pie in our lives.

I even like the phrase 'chili pie.'  It's kinda trashy and maybe even a tad disgusting but in a slightly sexual way.  In fact, I like it so much I'm going to replace my normal nicknames with it.  No more 'sweetheart' or 'honey,' it's 'chili pie' from now on.  

"Hey, how you doin,' chili pie?!"

via Serious Eats

My chili pie totally looked like this... *shifty eyes*

I should have spent the next two days at the mall throwing my money at fine retail establishments to support America, but instead I spent it digging in the dirt.  Don't let anyone ever tell you a design blogger is a glamorous job.

Ok I also watched Arrested Development which is the whitest, most Americanest thing I can do, really, so yay 'merica.

Planting season was about two months ago but I like to toe the line of proper lawn maintenance and respectability.  I got 75% of the way done with my chores and had to quit because the shovel was starting to rub a sore spot on my palm and I'd rather have an ugly yard than rough, calloused monster hands.  

Having my yard and patio become the oasis it is destined to be is taking a bit longer than I expected.  But what do you expect when I kill at least 30% of the living things I bring within the borders of my domicile?  Good thing Charlemagne is so resilient.

I'm continuously working on my container gardens which is about three years from looking like this:

via Living Arrangements

Just put things in a pot, they said!  Let nature do the work, they said!  

They are more monstrous than the almost-callouses on my hands!  I'm stuck even finding cute containers to put things in.  No wonder people use old wheelbarrows and shit.  Vessels are expensive.

here

Unless you can just use what you have laying around or stolen from a nearby renovation project!

The worst part of this crime is how much effort you can tell they put into it.  You know in their heads they thought "Hmm, in what way can I upcycle these toilets in a really fun but MODERN way...??"

But terrible doesn't always have to be on such a grand, shit-tastic scale.

I'm all for DIY - I gave perms to my mother starting at the age of 11 and I was awesome at it.  But we can just say no, sometimes.  Neon, unlike wine, doesn't make everything better.

I swear to gawd if I see a toilet planter with some neon triangles painted on it, so help me...

So this is why I've gathered all the best DIY concrete planters on the interwebz that you could feel safe doing and not feel my wrath.

Ne-OOOOOONNNNNNNN! 

That was a Wrath of Khan joke but it probably doesn't read as well as it played out in my head.

Martha Stewart here

First off, Martha Stewart can never steer your wrong.  Make these handsome fellows out of giant metal mixing bowls and some concrete.  Oh Martha, you need to keep your hands off our dating sites and stick to what you know best: crafts and cold, hard concrete.  

(Like your heart)

(Possibly vagina)

(ew)

Martha Stewart here

I don't even care if you do have a rigid and grey vagina because these faux bois planters are sexy.

Or if you want something smaller, there's always the milk carton versions which is the same process as when you made plaster vases in vacation bible school when you were five except there was sooo much glitter and pipe cleaners and the red paint that ran on the tables like rivers of blood and then the jeezus face sticker the teacher had to put on there for you because it was the Fourth of July and it's jeezus's favorite holiday, y'all, and omigawd I have VBSPTSD...

Martha Stewart here

But these are toootally different...  You can even make them for Satan if you want.  I don't care.

Or you can always jazz 'em up a bit like these:

Apocalyptic vessels from Big Red Sun via 2Modern

Don't forget to use your Gatorade bottles and Fabuloso containers to get some groovy, well... grooves.

via Rad Megan

A jeezus sticker would really fuck up the vibe, here.

via Ideas

What kind of terrible, chemical-laden liquid do I have to ingest to get some pretty ridges like those??

buy them on Oh Laszlo's etsy

Of course you can always just keep the milk cartons but add some pizzazz!  Or neon if you were so inclined which of course you are.  Maybe even a bit of pastel.  I don't know your life.

But if you're like me, the thought of making things with concrete seems... motherfucking heavy.  I've actually been collecting these tutorials since last Fall thinking I'll make some planters before the Spring but AHAHAHAHAHA I'm lazy.  My biceps aren't ready.

However, according to Martha Stewart and a bunch of people on Pinterest that are smarter than me, we aren't limited to a material with the density of a black hole.  

Enter hypertufa.  It sounds like an ancient Egyptian drag queen but apparently it looks like this:

via Magia Mia

But is lightweight and made of fairy dust or Martha Stewart queefs or something.

Lowe's tutorial and even a video

I don't know... a lot of the above Martha Stewart containers were made with it and Lowe's has a  tutorial too.  I think this might be the future.

Until I start a strict meth diet, I'll probably not get around to making any of these but I really hope you do.  Maybe even go crazy and do this one:

via Centsational Girl

Send pictures because that looks really hard and I'm not sure a real human can do it.

Maybe I'll just do this:

It's the hippie crystal votive holder version of the toilet.